Call this football?

"GO BEARS!"

Right then. After some internet issues and an undeniable case of blog lethargy, I'm back with some freestyle lexicon abuse. This Saturday I was introduced to another fine All-American tradition - the college football game. Now they call it football, but you realise it is very much not of the Association Football ilk (which by the way is the official name and root of the extremely annoying 'soccer' synonym). No this is American 'football' and its quite an experience I can tell you, although there is an irony here in that the actual 'football' was far from the centre of the experience (as another aside (sorry) irony is a dangerous verbal tactic to employ over here as I found to my cost when chatting up a tasty young undergrad at the game - the cheeky northern wit just sailed right over her pretty little head).

So getting straight to the point, the football action was pretty f*cking dull. I'm sorry to say that despite my hopes, the near 4 hours of play was about as exciting as, well...baseball. I was reliably informed that this was a exceptionally dull game. Cal (that's University of California Golden Bears to the uninitiated) were playing a pretty rank team (University of Arizona Wildcats) who were ripe for a beating. They apparently tee up a bad team specifically because it was Homecoming weekend (where all the old 'alums' come back to Berkeley for a knees-up) and it would not look good if the home team lost. So a win was widely expected for the Bears, and true to form, they did indeed win. Unfortunately they managed to win by doing not a whole lot. The final score was 21-0, which meant they scored 3 touchdowns. Two of the touchdowns I didn't even see, but seemed to involved one guy running over a heap of other guys when they were about a yard short of the end zone. The other TD (get with the lingo here) was quite a good pass from the Quarterback to a Wide Receiver. Apart from that not a whole lot else happened. One exception to this has to be mentioned though. The Wildcats had a player who was definitely talented, even to my untrained eye. He was marvelously named Steptoe, which instantly endeared him to all the Brits in the crowd and his job was to catch the ball when the other team kicked it then run as far as he could before he got mullered by a huge guy. Steptoe was incredible at running, dodging, ducking, diving and spinning and rang rings around the oafish defenders trying to bring him down. He would have been unstoppable at British Bulldog. Alas for poor Steptoe, the rest of his team was gash.

Now so far, the 'football' game is getting a pretty bad press from this author. Luckily however, the actual 'football' is the least important aspect of the whole game. Much more impressive and enjoyable were (in no particular order)....
1. The Cheerleaders. My pre-game excitement was uncannily focused on this area and they didn't let me down. Easily the most entertaining part of the day was watching the visiting team of cheerleaders, comprising 3 stereotypical cheerleader gals, 3 big strong fellas, 2 Wildcat mascots (Wilfred and Wilma) and a coach. They just happened to be right in front of where we were sitting and throughout the entire game, they managed to put up a united front of perma-smiles, smile/wave combos, flips, tricks and human pyramids, all to an admirably persistent chorus of 'Go Cats Go' (or variations thereof). I actually think they were entirely oblivious to the mind-numbing spectacle taking place behind them, in which their boys were slumping to inevitable defeat. You can see the lovely ladies in action right here. I even got a cheeky smile from the cutest one (that secretly made my day).


2. The Marching Band. This crew of nerdy misfits fulfilling the American Pie stereotype, bedecked in pseudo-military get-up provided the bulk of the crowd entertainment throughout the entire game. Marshalled by 4 old guys on stepladders, their routine comprised some rather impressively choreographed musical manoeuvers around the sportsfield. These kids had a real spring in their step despite being weighed down by drums and horns of all shapes and sizes. They warmed up the crowd a treat pre-game and kept the energy flowing during the game at appropriate moments from their position in the stands. The real treat came during the half-time show when they dazzled us with a medley of cartoon theme tunes, taking in old favourites such as The Simpsons and Inspector Gadget. Their 'piece de resistance' was a wonderful segue between Scooby Doo and The Flintstones, when some of the band acted out a scene where a trouble-making ghost was unveiled to be the Stanford Tree (symbol of the arch enemy university) which proceeded to be mown down by the Flintstones' primitive vehicle of choice, piloted by Cal's very own Golden Bear mascot. Genius.
3. The Audience Participation. During half time, a lucky few within the crowd got to have a go at embarrassing themselves in the presence of around 60,000 people. This always makes for great entertainment. One poor guy had the chance to win a car by kicking a 45 yard field goal. Needless to say after much whooping up of the crowd and bigging himself up, he unleashed a feeble effort that barely made 10 yards. Then there were the four couples selected for a contest to see which boy/girl combo could make the longest pass for another great prize. With the girls catching the guys' passes this was always destined for trouble. After many disappointing fumbled catches, the greatest roar of humour came when an amply proportioned lady ate turf in comedic fashion trying desperately to cling on to her hubby's precision throw.
4. The Stadium Announcer. This is definitely one of those 'had to be there' items, but try and imagine a guy with a truly remarkable accent of cheese running through inane announcements with a bravado that deserved medals and concluding each effort with the rallying cry of "Go Bears!" Example - "Colonel Larry Scobowski has generously donated over "$16 million to the Cal fund over his lifetime. Today Col Scobowski is 95 years old. We salute you. Go Bears!"
5. The Enormous Lady. This fine American sat a few rows back from us hollered incessantly at a somewhat inept popcorn vendor for over 5 minutes until he duly obliged her appetite for snacking and delivered said product. Her valiant efforts at obtaining custom consisted of crying "POPCORN! POPCORN! OVER HERE!" at increasingly ear-drum defying volumes. Beautiful.

So all in all it was a fascinating insight into American culture. It was astoundingly close to the stereotypes that are peddled through films and TV, but goddamit it was fun. This place is people-watching paradise. It was all a bit too much for Niko though, who had to resort to a little nap during the third quarter. He missed so much. Gimme 90 minutes of Everton any day.

By way of an update on my journey, I am leaving the delightful weather and scenery of California on Wednesday to head north to Seattle. Niko has left for a week in Finland and London, so its time to move on. It'll be sad to leave this fantastic place, but I'm itching to get stuck into my mission to 'do' North America.

Finally, one sad piece of news. I finally lost my battle to avoid the kind of junk food this country is famous for. I'd done so well to date, but a gruelling traffic jam, endured when Sulakshana and I tried to get back to Berkeley from the City, sapped my hunger to the extent that I had to raid the dreaded McD's for some crap in a bun. I like to think of it as revisiting past demons, and therefore a healthy experience. Lets hope the experience is not repeated.

Toodle-pip.


STOP PRESS....while writing this blog entry I've just seen an advert starring Gary Coleman, the long lost star of Diff'rent Strokes. Can you believe it, but he needed cash fast, so he went to www.cashfast.com and all his problems were solved. Whatever next? How the diminutively mighty have fallen.