Health Matters

So it does, as my wonderfully named former colleague Seamus Reilly always says. You’d think that his name was Irish enough, but you’d be amazed at the number of times people tried to up the ante by erroneously naming him ‘Seamus O’Reilly’. And you know what else? One of my Top 3 All Time Greatest Moments as a corporate boy was spend in the company of Seamus. I’d convinced one of the Partners at E&Y (the big bosses) to arrange a meal at which we could entertain at contact of mine at Vodafone – a hot sales target for my team at that time. Seamus was our telecoms expert so he would be accompanying me for the dinner, and as he is also the finest gourmand I have ever come across, he jumped at the chance. Alas the Partner was ill on the day and couldn’t make the meal at Rhodes 21 (Gary Rhodes’ restaurant half way up the NatWest Tower), so Seamus stepped up to the plate and led proceedings. Our guest was treated to the finest hospitality courtesy of E&Y and we managed to run up a bill in excess of £500 between the three of us. Much fine wine was drunk, along (amongst other things) with filet steak tartare and a lobster omelette. It was all wrapped up with brandy and cigars. A job well done. The contact at Vodafone was of course Soks and despite the slim element of truth in my claim that he was “the right hand man to the global Chief Technology Officer” I’m pretty sure we didn’t discuss much about Vodafone all night. Quite an achievement in my book. Suffice to say that no sales were made following this high-powered business dinner.

The other two entries into my Top 3? One has to be the hour I spent in the casino of a 5* hotel in Moscow mixing it with Mafioso types and high class hookers. I managed to lose $100 in under 2 minutes playing blackjack, which again is quite an achievement. The other was this summer when I stayed up all night at our annual conference in Amsterdam. Having been steadily consuming champagne all evening, I ventured onto the beach at about 4.30am to watch the sunrise. Dressed in full dinner suit, armed with two magnums of champagne and accompanied by four willing accomplices (including Seamus himself) we sat in the sand until 7am swilling the fizz and putting the world to rights. I managed to follow this by going straight to breakfast where (pissed as a fart) I ate and conversed with the Global Head of my business unit who had risen early to catch a plane back to the US. Apparently I endeared myself to him with my straight talking northern ways. Long live the corporate game!

Now then, indulgent tangents aside, onto the main course – health matters. The best thing about writing a blog is that I’m in complete control of what is publish. My prerogative goes, with no editing or criticism. However, you also have a prerogative as to whether you read or not and I think you should prepare yourselves, as the next few paragraphs are going to explore a subject that still seems to be taboo even in the 21st century. Those of you who are easily offended should look away now, and whatever you do, try not to conjure images in your mind of what’s happening as you read it, but do persevere if you have the stomach for it as there are lessons I have learned that I think are best shared.

Today I’m going to write about….constipation, and I’m not going to stop there. I will also touch upon the final nightmare of all Spelling Bee contestants….haemorrhoids. Are you with me? Then let’s begin.

This morning I leapt into the air, pants around my ankles and raised my arms aloft in triumph – I’d just had a poo (I told you not to get the images in your head). So ended over five days of physical, mental and emotional trauma. Now, those of you who know me well (especially those who’ve had the dubious pleasure of living with me) will know that my bowels are a little unusual. The most obvious sign of this is the unfeasibly frequent and conspicuous gaseous emissions that I am able to produce. Having said that, I generally pride myself on the regularity of my solid bowel movements. I’ve been a ‘2 a day’ man for most of my adult life, and for the past 4 or so years could always be found enjoying #1 Number 2 of the day at approximately 10.15am, once I’d arrived at work. So imagine my horror when for over 5 days I can only manage 1 (highly unsatisfactory) dump. Yes, I was a trifle agitated.

It had all started on Friday, when I was running late (as usual) to catch my bus to Sao Paulo and failed to make time for my morning Dougie H (that’s Douglas Hurd to the uninitiated). My bowels could not be persuaded to part with their cargo at the half-way stop 3 hours into the journey, and thus a pattern was established for the next few days. Friday, Saturday and Sunday passed in Sao Paulo, with one measly blip all that was to show for countless attempts at coaxing out my waste. The return journey to Rio on Monday yielded no greater returns and even the familiar turf of my ‘home’ toilet could not produce the goods. Tuesday was a tortuous affair as by now I was certain I needed to release my baggage, but still nothing doing. I squeezed and strained, squatted and hovered, but all to no avail. By now I was decidedly anxious. A look at my face in the mirror revealed a man who was not in good health. I began to speculate on all manner of reasons for my malaise – kidney infection? Twisted bowels? An impediment in the workings? A blocked-up sphincter? I was working myself into a tizzy with all this wild speculation, but what could I do?

As luck would have it, inspiration came from an unexpected source – another person. In passing conversation, when we were walking to the shop, Alex (capoeira teacher – I’m guessing you know him by now right?) asked me (as people do) if I was OK today. The normal response would be “Sim. Tudo bem” as in “Yes. All good”, but instead, I responded “Actually I haven’t had a shit in 4 days.”. A slight chuckle, then “Uh-huh.”, came the unflustered reply, “Man, you have to eat more fruits and drink lots of water.”. All of a sudden a light bulb came on in my mind. I can do something about this.

To shed further light on the situation, I consulted Wikipedia, where sure enough there was confirmation that constipation can be eased by eating lots of fibrous fruits and gulping down plenty of water. Suddenly it all made sense. According to Wikipedia, constipation is commonly caused by dehydration, poor diet and anxiety caused by unfamiliar surroundings or stressful events. The day I left for Sao Paulo, I was a little hungover from too much beer the previous night, had been eating a diet of mainly deep fried crap for over a week and had been stressing out at getting myself from Rio to Sao Paulo. In fact, immediately prior to my first realisation of inability to poo, I was running around the bus station like a mad thing trying not to miss my bus, thus further dehydrating and stressing.

Now I had a rational explanation for my situation, I started to relax more. I was further buoyed by the Wikipedia claim that “it is not uncommon for bowel movement to occur once weekly”. Sweet. I still had 2 or 3 days to go. And there’s more. I learned that excessive straining over the bowl can exacerbate the problems by causing haemorrhoids to occur in the rectal area. Wow! This was a revelation. I’ll spare you the details of my examination, but suffice to say I realised I was doing myself no favours. From here on in, it was a different story. I was more relaxed knowing there was a way out. Simply gorge on fruit and water, chill out a bit, and stop trying to squeeze one out. It’ll happen when it needs to happen.

One day, half a watermelon, three pears, a papaya and several glasses of fresh mango juice later – hey presto. Today I’ve had no less than 4 mightily satisfying excretions. A sure fire victory for patience and fibre.

If you’re still reading, then I salute you. You have already begun to break free from the chains of an oppressive society that does not permit us to talk openly of our fundamental bodily functions. There is a serious lesson to learn though, which is this – health matters, and it should not be compromised for a silly matter such as embarrassment. I learned a lot about my body through this whole episode and feel much the wiser for it. I also hope that I will never again in the future avoid confronting health problems because they are difficult to talk about.

Today I had four fantastic poos – and I am proud of it!